I Have Never Felt Lonely as a Solo Traveler

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When someone realizes you’re a solo traveler, they’ll do the absolute most to “solve it” or take your solitude away from you.

“Have you ever tried the Meetup App?”

“I hear one of the best things about solo travel is that it’s easier to meet other people and make friends.”

“You can date people all over the world!”

“When do you think you’ll settle down?”

“That’s not safe.”

“Maybe you can search out other like-minded nomads to travel with?”

If I am solo, it’s because I made the choice to be. It’s on purpose. Imagine if you told someone that you love playing sports, and their response was “maybe if you find a good book series to get into or a desk job that takes up more of your time, you’ll be able to sit down more often and play less.” It wouldn’t make any sense. Why are people deciding that what I like doing isn’t…what I like doing?

I’ve heard the sentiment that when people don’t grasp the idea of solo travel it’s because of fear, but I wonder if it’s something else. Other people experience an emotion or state of being called “loneliness”, which is foreign to me. I used to think my perspective was normal and people who get lonely are the ones with the problem, but the older I get the more I realize I’m the weird outlier. I started asking myself, why? And what is the relationship between “lonerism” and solo travel, if any? To find out, I began by doing something out of character – looking to other people.

I Have Never Felt Lonely

I recently Googled the phrase “I have never felt lonely in my life”, and was surprised to find dozens of other people expressing the same thing on Quora, Reddit, and Medium. We’re all wondering what’s wrong with us.

Without much background information from these people, it’s hard to know what we all have in common. I briefly thought that perhaps our parents bred a superpower into us, but in actuality I doubt our lives are any more commendable or rewarding than others. I had a pretty supportive upbringing that made me feel self-assured, but there are plenty of well-adjusted people out there who were raised in loving households and have achieved wonderful things, people who were never neglected or abandoned, capable people who have confidence in themselves who nevertheless experience loneliness and make major life decisions based on fear of loneliness.

Occasionally I wonder if us true loners should be diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder, but in other areas of my life I don’t seem to function differently than other people, and no-one’s ever suggested to me that I might be on the spectrum. Then I become angry that I’m made to question my own sanity just for being “different” in the most benign possible way.

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room – I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful – awful beyond all – but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, ‘The strongest men are the most alone.’ I’ve never thought, ‘Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.’ No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, ‘Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?’ Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have.”

Charles Bukowski interviewed for “Tough Guys Write Poetry”

Loners and Introversion

One common thread I noticed among those posts is that some people who don’t get lonely also consider themselves introverts, but I surmise this is only a coincidence. There must be plenty of people who identify as introverts who do get lonely.

I also noticed a trend in recent years where introverts joke about “hating people” and needing space, yet these same people have chosen at least one human that they are surrounded by 24 hours a day (usually a spouse), which seems counter to their proclamation. Someone in one of the Reddit threads commented “I never feel lonely. As long as I have my wife, my cats, my music and guitar, I’m good,” to which another Redditor responded, “Well how could one feel lonely if they have a wife and cats?” If introverts treasure having roommates who share their beds, bank accounts, and travels, I don’t think my mindset can be explained away by introversion.

Loners and Solo Travel

I wondered if maybe there is a connection wherein people who don’t get lonely naturally gravitate towards solo travel (is there a precedent or statistic that explains me?). Maybe solo travelers are a perfect microcosm of the unlonely population, the same way you might interview ultra marathon runners when doing research on perfectionism or ambition (or masochism). Then I remembered that I’ve read plenty of solo traveler articles where loneliness is mentioned as “the downside” or “the reality,” and solo travelers often talk about being on dating apps and looking to become one half of a “travel couple,” so perhaps even within the solo traveler community I am still an outlier. It makes sense that I gravitate towards solo travel personally, but it doesn’t ring true that all solo travelers are loners. 

Since I’m not a journalist with contacts I can reach out to in order to perform some kind of survey, and it turns out I can’t question other introverts or solo travelers expecting like-minded answers, all I can really do is look inwardly to try to understand this phenomenon. 

Loners and Curiosity

I am at my happiest and most fulfilled when I am feeling curious about the world and chasing some muse, and I suppose I feel that other people get in the way of that (of course there are exceptions; there are times when I’ve truly enjoyed traveling with others).

I talked about muses in my articles about Chasing Edith Piaf in Paris, or following Jack Kerouac up Desolation Peak. I road tripped in Louisiana to follow the final footsteps of Bonnie and Clyde, and I took a Charles Bukowski bus tour in Los Angeles to search out his old haunts. I followed my interest in music all the way into a career in that field. When I do long hiking trips, I am learning about old ruins or soaking up the inspiring ancestral history of the place I’m visiting, always looking for some deeper understanding about a topic or landscape that piqued my interest. I hope that physically putting myself there through travel will afford me some insight. These interests occupy me completely. They’re enough.

“Every walk is a sort of crusade…if you are ready to leave father and mother, and brother and sister, and wife and child and friends, and never see them again — if you have paid your debts, and made your will, and settled all your affairs, and are a free man — then you are ready for a walk.”

Henry David Thoreau, “Walking”

Chuck Klosterman investigated these ideas in his book Killing Yourself to Live, where he tried to understand why we pilgrimage to locations that are significant to musicians we admire (I wrote my own article about seeking out places related to the emo genre). You could extend this to any muse; what are we trying to learn about ancient civilizations (and modern ones) when we visit Machu Picchu in person, rather than looking at it in pictures? 

I recently listened to an episode of the Zero to Travel Podcast where Vagabonding author Rolf Potts talked about visiting a specific area of Houston most people don’t travel to because of his love of hip-hop group The Geto Boys. I really resonated with that story. Potts was a solo traveler for most of his life too, only recently getting married in his 50s. Is there some connection between chasing inspiration and not feeling lonely? Do we feel a “pull” towards things that others don’t?

I don’t think it’s about keeping yourself so busy and distracted that you never have a chance to get lonely. As I write this now, I’m not traveling. And even when I do travel, every day isn’t always about discovery. Some days I am just sitting on a couch working or resting, and while I might experience boredom, I still don’t experience loneliness. Do people conflate the two?

Or perhaps I have experienced loneliness, but it was such a neutral, unimportant, and non-threatening feeling that I didn’t clock it for what it was? Maybe I’m the one conflating boredom and loneliness? Maybe I wouldn’t be able to identify loneliness even if it slapped me across the face.

“If you are lonely when you are alone, then you are in bad company.”

Jean-Paul Sartre, Essays in Aesthetics

Loners and Independence

There’s a judgmental part of my brain that wants to assume other people are indoctrinated from birth about the “life script” and can’t shake themselves free of thinking they’re failing in some way if they’re not tying themselves to a partner, or they’re not creative enough to figure out what else to do with themselves. They have no imagination, no revolutionary or critical thinking, no certainty within themselves, and nothing they particularly want to do in their lives. Someone on Quora suggested it’s easier to “make good choices without the influence of people who can’t be alone. I believe people who suffer from loneliness rely on others for things they can’t understand, or are desperately searching to be heard.” The most arrogant recess of my subconscious likes this answer, but obviously this can’t be true. There are plenty of people who are capable of making up their own minds and who lead exciting lives full of creative goals who simultaneously reject lonerism. I know a lot of interesting people who aren’t like me.

I’ve asked myself what conditions of one’s youth might contribute to these attitudes about independence and solitude. I grew up in a small backwater town without much to do except wander aimlessly or drive around. I wanted to bust out into the world and discover what everyone else was up to, how other people were living and what I was missing out on. When I got my license and was able to drive without having to ask for anyone’s help or permission, I felt an immense amount of freedom. This probably spiraled into my love of road trips and car camping (interestingly, I felt a kinship with women from the late 19th century when I read how much the invention of the bicycle contributed to their feeling of newfound freedom). But I’m not the only person from that town, and as far as I know, none of my neighbors turned out like me when it comes to solo travel. There are small nowhere towns all over the world. 

Recently my TikTok algorithm started showing me videos of other women who are speaking up and being louder and louder about choosing themselves first and being uninterested in dating. There is a building sentiment of “if you can’t improve upon the great life I’ve built for myself, and in fact in my experience you will only bring me down, why should I bother with you?” Some women are talking about how bringing others into their lives only “destroys their peace”. More women are able to give themselves the lives they want without relying on others. Though, it seems most are coming to this conclusion later in life after being disappointed by partners, whereas I’ve never had much time for people to begin with.

Loners and Selfishness

All I can come up with is that maybe I’m consumed by my interests. I always have ideas about things I’d like to be doing; my gaze is always turned towards the stars, or to some mystery, or some faraway land. Whenever I’m inspired by a person, such as a historical figure or artist, it’s because they represent something. I don’t particularly want to meet them. It’s not like I think I would have gotten along well with Bukowski or Piaf. I’m sure Bonnie and Clyde would have robbed me. When I meet people in real time, perhaps the same dynamic is happening. I am often genuinely interested in aspects of their lives and in their way of thinking and I do enjoy conversation, which is why I have friends at all, but I’m not interested in spending every waking moment around them or making any kind of conquest wherein I collect people like souvenirs. People who can’t understand a solo female traveler might call this “selfish” but honestly I think I’m sparing others and considering their feelings in the long term. I’m not the best person to latch on to and it’s best to set that boundary quickly. 

In a road trip article, I wrote about how Arthur Beale, William Randolph Hearst, and Michael Jackson all created their own “palaces” taking inspiration from elsewhere and transposing it onto their own land. Hearst was especially known for physically taking pieces of art and architecture from Egypt and Rome and using them to create his castle. I don’t feel the need to bring the world to me or to own pieces of other places, just like I don’t need to own pieces of other people. I go to them and admire them where they are, try to learn from them, and then I leave them be. Why would I need to keep something or dislodge it from its natural habitat, where it blooms the brightest?

And why do people want to dislodge me from my natural habitat? If I’ve expressed that I’m content solo, any attempt to ruin or question my solo-ness is offensive to me and feels self-serving of the other person somehow. If you don’t “get me”, that’s fine, I don’t get you either. I try not to insult people by saying to their face “why can’t you do anything alone?”, so I hope they’ll learn not to insult solo travelers by continuing to express their absolute befuddlement at us, or by trying to suggest other life paths.

I suppose all of this is to say I have no real conclusion except “different strokes.” It should be as simple as that. If you’re a solo traveler who never feels lonely, I know you don’t need validation, but I still hope hearing from someone else like you helps you feel validated. You probably don’t need to be tested for sociopathic tendencies.

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